I spend a lot of time alone. It is probably partly related to the fact that I live alone, or because I am usually at work, school, or doing homework. I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking, philosophising, or having fleeting epiphanies and even more fleeting moments of understanding the meaning of life. My cell phone will ring or my cat will meow at me and my train of thought along the path to enlightenment will derail, but only momentarily.
What have I been thinking about lately? I guess lately I have been more aware of my physical and emotional state of being. Since ending a rollercoaster of a relationship in February and going on a thousand uneventful dates since then, I have decided to reorganize the filing cabinet of my emotions. I have started this process by being a little more selfish, not letting people walk all over me, speaking my mind, dropping leeches from my life. Ironically, I have actually gotten nicer as a whole. I am more aware of the way I speak to people, trying to be less cynical and more caring. I think maybe that is part of getting older. I also see the way my close friends treat each other, and I become saddened and afraid that possibly they are speaking poorly of me behind my back. I don't know why they would or what they would say, because I never cause drama among them, but I see how catty and unforgiving they are with each other, that it makes my heart sink a bit. I don't want to be like them. I want people to be around who I can trust all get along. I want people who I know when I share something with them that they won't tell 9 of my friends, who in turn tell 9 of their friends, and so on. So for now, I am working on being the role model to them, leading by example and all that shit. Hopefully it works.
With that said, I have met some really amazing people lately. People who are incredibly kind, generous, talented, funny, and genuine. Let's hope that train stays on its tracks and hopefully I keep meeting great new friends.
Unfortunately, the men I have been meeting are.. well... less than sub-par. Below par. Miles and miles south of par. This has got to end. I do, however, have lots of male friends in my life, who are all amazing, and treat me so well. But that is life. I have them in my life, but I sleep alone. And you know what? That is okay. I am fine with sleeping alone. Sleeping alone is thousands of times better than sharing a bed with someone who makes you cry or makes your heart hurt. This time that I am spending being single is a bit of a learning experience. I like to observe the behaviors of my friends who are in relationships, my friends who are single, and the one or two guys out there who I may or may not have a crush on. I like to observe the behaviors of single men who pursue me, staying just at arm's length from everyone. It's fun to watch. It's fun to sign in to facebook and see seven "pokes" from random guy friends of mine. It's fun to sign in to my Plenty of Fish account (LOL) once every couple weeks and read the drivel of poorly executed pickup lines and abortion of the English language. I can't bring myself to delete my Plenty of Fish account just for the sole comedic value that I recieve when reading messages. God, I have only met one person on there, and that was Jeff. Boy, do I miss him. I digress.
So I guess I have been spending time observing behavior. Performing a social experiment of sorts, with me being the only person tracking and analyzing the results. Sure there is someone out there who I have a crush on, but a crush is such an interesting thing. You have to have a crush long enough to decide if you would still like them after you got them. It's fun to want something so badly and never have it. Then you get it and you play with it for a few weeks and then you shove it back in the junk drawer. I don't want to do that anymore. I am so fucking stubborn and so set in my ways and so obsessed with having my free time, that whoever I date will have to be able to complement my life in a manner that is unobstructive. However, I am probably the best catch of a woman any man could ever have.
So my life and my emotions and my physical state of being are continuously being observed and analyzed by me. My brain working so hard to separate fact from fiction. I enjoy being single. For now.
But then again, I would totally marry Win Butler.
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