no babies on board

In a world where the 7 billionth person was just born, we are still convincing ourselves and validating the idea of bearing more children. But for why? So people can experience “being a parent” or “raising something of their own”? Come on. Technology has allowed for the ability to slow reproduction. We don’t live very long; just a sliver in an epoch of time. Most of this time we're complaining about living. All the while, millions of children are homeless and absent a loving person in their lives. Even monkeys become seriously emotionally distressed when absent love or even touch. Are you actively loving?


The following things I have basically pulled out of my ass, but it's thoughts I have been mulling over lately:

Try to do well while you’re still here. Love everyone that you can.

Don't be a selfish asshole. Look outwards from yourself.

Don't be wasteful in matters of love, health, and the environment.

Take care of the planet and the people on it right now. Anthropocentrism and all of its subcategories are worthless. You’ll feel more alive once you let go of having pride in the things that man has decided are most important.

50 favorite things (not the Oprah version)

1. kittens.
2. my crazy friends.
3. Morgan Freeman's voice.
4. fuzzy socks.
5. drinking room-temperature water.
6. basil, cilantro, and mint.
7. fog.
8. going to places alone when it's unconventional to go alone.
9. unprocessed food.
10. grammar.
11. writing.
12. wit.
13. quirkiness.
14. cucumbers.
15. hollandaise sauce.
16. albuterol.
17. my bike.
18. heavyweight drawing paper.
19. antique stores.
20. yoga pants.
21. combat boots.
22. dive bars.
23. intellect.
24. post-rock.
25. morrissey.
26. vancouver, bc.
27. iPhone autocorrect funniness.
28. men's wifebeaters.
29. words with friends.
30. inopportune philosophical thought.
31. interesting nail polish colors.
32. three-day weekends.
33. webcomics.
34. late-night video games with friends.
35. classical music.
36. quantum physics.
37. an ice cold IPA.
38. early 90's r&b.
39. the golden bear.
40. early morning back rub.
41. midnight bike rides.
42. my bed.
43. netflix streaming.
44. americanos.
45. fake eyelashes.
46. long sweaters.
47. leggings.
48. pandora.
49. sacramento natural foods co-op.
50. carbohydrates.


I might expand on this list later.

personality crash

So I have a friend named Tony that I met over the summer at a second Saturday/art gallery thing. He showed me a lot of attention the first night I met him, telling me how he thought I was so cool and pretty and that we would get along. Now I am usually wary of people showing so much interest so soon, but I sort of gave this guy a break. I was dating someone at the time so I told him I wasn’t trying to date anyone, and he was okay with that. We exchanged numbers and kept in slight contact, as we never added each other as facebook friends.

I ended up running into him again a few months ago at my usual bar, and he was telling me how he had never met another girl like me and how he was so excited to have me back in his life (all real crazy to me) which I found odd because it’s not like he knew me… at all. We had only spent like an hour together at the art show and I gave him a ride home because he didn’t have his car that night. When I was hanging out with him at the bar, he glommed onto me like we were a couple… when in fact he was totally cock-blocking me from trying to talk to a hot guy. So anyway, this guy wouldn’t leave me alone and finally I just bounced. Said bye to him and went home.

He added me on facebook a few days later. He was pretty good about not blowing me up, which I thought was nice. I don’t find him attractive, and although he is really nice to me, I felt like the fact that he was a little too intrusive right off the bat was unattractive. Anyway, I decided to be nice to the guy. He was pretty funny on facebook and wasn’t being too facebook-clingy, so I figured everything was fine.

Well over the weekend I wanted to play some tennis. I posted a thing on facebook about who would want to play and he started posting a whole bunch of comments saying how he wants to play and how we can do doubles and how we can dress up and have fun. That wasn’t my whole idea, I mean, having fun is fine, but I legitimately wanted to get in some tennis practice. A few people said they were in, so I planned on meeting everyone at the park at 2. I told Tony I would pick him up at noon so I could run a couple errands. Turns out that he hasn’t played tennis in 10 fucking years and he didn’t even have a racket. Seriously? You talk all this shit on my facebook page and you play like an 8 year old girl? What the fuck. Also he made me wait 15 minutes so he could finish burning me a CD (which sucked, by the way).

So anyway, I pick him up and we go to Target. Once we got into I noticed that he has his hat on backwards and his big sunglasses still on.

“Are you one of those people who wears their sunglasses inside? It looks retarded.”

“Well, I don’t like to wear my hat backwards without my sunglasses on.”

“So take your sunglasses off and put your hat forwards, you’re not Britney Spears.”

After he does that, he grabs my hand to hold it. AWKWARD. I was not wanting to hold his hand. First of all, I don’t even want a relationship with anyone, especially not him. I guess I just assumed he knew that we were just going to be friends and nothing else. I pretended like I needed to go down a certain aisle to get something, so I was able to free myself from his hand. I grabbed a bag of cat food that I had to hold with both hands so he wouldn’t try to hold my hand again. He picks out a tennis racket. We leave.

After Target, I had to go to the school to get some paperwork. That took five minutes. Then he asks me if we can drive 15 minutes out of the way to go to Arden to get a camera so he can take pictures of us playing tennis. I said that was okay because we still had a bunch of time. So we get to Arden and he finds out that the camera he wants doesn’t come with any film.

“Can we go down on Fulton to the store to get some film?”

“I am not fucking driving anywhere else for film.”

“But it’s right down the street. You just go down Arden and then left on Fulton and then it’s like two lights down.”

“Fine.”

So I turn left on Arden and get to Fulton and then turn left again… LIKE HE SAID.

“Oh no wait, where are we, oh you needed to turn right on Fulton.”

“You said ‘left.’”

“No I meant left on Arden.”

“Yes, and then you motioned with your hand to go left again on Fulton.”

I let out a low growl to show my frustration with him, and he just keeps on yammering away about shit I don’t fucking care about. I really start getting annoyed.

“So, like, what’s your life mantra? What do you live by?”

“The fuck kind of question is that? What do I live by? I live by not having a fucking mantra.”

“No, like, you’re an artist right?”

“Yes.”

“So don’t artists have philosophies and stuff?”

“Dude, I am not Leonardo DaVinci, I just live day to day and get the shit done that I need to get done, and I read and I hang out with my friends. I only get philosophical when talking about religion. I am not all new age-y with a mantra or whatever you’re talking about. Right now I am hungry so let’s go eat.”

Turns out the camera place was next door to a Lebanese restaurant that I have been wanting to try. He went in to the camera place and I sat down at the restaurant. Time started to tick by and I still had to go home to change and get my tennis gear. It looked like lunch would put us over the 2:00 scheduled time for tennis.

After we ate we got back in my car to go home. Mind you, every time I would try to answer a question that he asked, he would talk over me. I don’t think he ever actually let me fully answer a question. So we are driving, and I am being kind of quiet, and he is going on and on about himself and other shit that I don’t care about. Like about how he DJs and makes music that I think is crap, and how he is the only person in the world with certain music. Again, could care less.

“So the best part of my day was holding hands with you in Target.”

“Oh really.”

“Yeah, well, I mean I liked other parts of the day too – are you upset with me? You seem like you’re annoyed.”

“Sorry I am kind of in a funk today and I just want to play some tennis. I am annoyed that we have been running around and it’s stressing me out. Also you keep talking and sometimes I just like to be –“

“Well I didn’t have to go with you to the school and I wanted to do all this stuff for you so we could have a fun time playing tennis. All the camera stuff and everything is for you. I thought we could just go and have a good time and take pretty pictures so you could remember this day in the future and remember how much fun you had.”

“I wanted to actually get in some legitimate practice and you haven’t even played –“

“I thought we were just going to have fun.”

“Okay. Now I am pissed. You are annoying me and you keep talking –“

“I keep talking over you, huh.”

“There, you did it again. You know what? I am going to drop you off at home. I don’t want to date you nor play tennis with you. You’re not going to even be good at tennis and I want to get some practice in, not wait for you to go retrieve all the balls you hit over the net.”

“I don’t want to date you either, I am not romantically interested in you.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? Why the fuck did you try to hold my hand in Target? Dude, don’t get upset with me because you’re trying to hold my hand and I am telling you I don’t want to date you. You’re the one with the mixed signals, not me. You’re stressing me out and frankly, I’m getting pissed off with you. You won’t stop fucking talking and you keep cutting me off when I try to talk. I am dropping you off at home and I don’t want to play tennis or hang out with you anymore.”

“Okay. I am sorry. I mean I am just trying to joke around with you and have fun.”

“I don’t find it funny. I find it annoying and I don’t even want to think about how annoying playing tennis will be. You’re not even going to be good.”

So I took him home, dropped him off and said few words and finally he got out of my car. I made it to tennis 45 minutes late, where I practiced my serve until my friend Wendy showed up to play. We only played for about an hour, and I attribute my tiredness to being stressed out from putting up with the Man-Boy all day.

FUCK. I can’t win with people. Where the hell are the normal people anymore?

perspective

Occasionally, life mirrors that scene in Dumb and Dumber where Lloyd gets on the wrong freeway and starts heading back in the direction he came from instead of getting to Aspen. Sometimes you think you're going somewhere, and then like a bolt of lightning, reality hits and you realize you're a thousand miles in the wrong direction.

So let's talk about boys for a minute.

I suppose I should give a bit of the back story so you know what in the hell I am talking about rather than you, the reader, becoming frustrated at the vagueness of my blog post.

J was a man that I met on a cheesy dating website, with no high hopes of ever meeting anyone off there. Something about him really tore away at me, sufficiently chipping away at the iceberg of my heart. We constructed long messages to each other, each one as warming and exciting as the one before it, and before long we were in each other's arms. We started to hang out last year, and we were both fairly convinced that something between us would come to fruition, given our mutual attraction to each other and longing to be around each other every hour of every day that we possibly could. We would text all day long, with sweet words and obvious desires.

Then he had to move. We were only together less than a month and I felt like the floor fell out from below me. We took a drive in my car and stayed up for too many hours, talking about the future and trying to keep our spirits up even though we knew he would be leaving the next day. He promised me he would be back in a few months, and that was enough for me. I could hold out... I had already fallen for him.

So he moves away and we text, but my hopes start to dry up. I visit him a few times, we stay in a hotel, he meets my friends, we still talk about the future and that I could have a place in it, and yet I still had a hunch that things were not what they seemed. He'd promise me his heart and then I wouldn't hear from him. A couple of months later I started seeing someone else, because I was sick of waiting. A few months without any effort from him except a few words to hang on was not enough for me anymore.

As the months passed, the majority of texting between us ceased, with the exception of a few random days here and there where we would tell each other how much we missed each other and how badly we wish we were back in each other's arms. That was enough for me. I knew he had a new life, but just knowing he still felt the same way for me was enough. I figured in time we could be together again.

Well yesterday was different. Yesterday I ended up having a long conversation with someone who J always claimed was his "best girl friend" and that I needn't feel threatened by her because he never had an attraction to her. Turns out J was really good at feeding lots of girls the same lines he fed me, her, and currently the girl that he lives with/sleeps with/mooches from.

His modus operandi was to completely deny that him and I ever had any kind of relationship, that I "tried" to get him to stay with me at a hotel, and that he was not even attracted to me, that we never slept together and shared nothing more than a kiss. Clearly this makes me look like a flaming idiot, because to everyone else I look like a crazy girl who has feelings for someone who wants nothing to do with me, all the while pretending in my head that our relationship is something that it isn't. Well, he is the liar in this case, and I the sane girl who got dicked over for no apparent reason. This is all very unsettling to me and his "best friend." I feel badly for her, considering he has been compulsively lying to her about parts of his life that he should be completely honest about. I was always honest with him about everything, and never expected anything but honesty from him. His best friend also expected honesty and instead received lies, manipulation, and desertion.

Friday was the last time we texted back and forth with each other, with lovey things like how badly we missed each other, how we wanted to be "physical" again with each other, and we even sent pictures... his more revealing than mine.

Why did he lie? Why would someone choose to manipulate someone so ruthlessly and then deny the very existence of a relationship?

This is why I will be single forever, and why I don't trust men. AT ALL.

i wrote this for class

I initially went into this with the thought that I would be able to write a little bit about every night, since each one was so interesting, but I keep coming back to only three nights. After losing my friend Andy to suicide in August, I had a lot of questions about how to make sense of it all. I debated whether coming to the suicide night would be of much help, or if it was just too soon after the loss to be able to really let everything sink in. I had already been signed up for this class before he died, and before him, I had never lost anyone to suicide. My thoughts surrounding it were very one-sided. I always told people that dying by suicide was a cop-out or it meant that you couldn’t face the challenges of life and suffering like every other human being. I was actually pretty rude about it, and definitely being too defensive to be someone that could offer help. This class and the loss of my friend have changed my view completely.

I got a call at 2AM from my friend Stephanie, and I didn’t answer the phone because I figured it was just asking me to come and hang out. They left a voicemail but I never listened to it. The next morning at 8AM when I had just arrived at work, my friend called again. This was unlike her to call in the morning so I answered. She told me the news and I was in disbelief. Andy was the nicest guy, very well known in the community, had hundreds and hundreds of friends, remembered everyone by name, went out of his way to be nice to everyone, and always had a smile. It was such completely shocking news that I was waiting for someone to say “just kidding.” I gathered myself and went home from work, the start of taking off three days because I could barely even get myself out of bed. The first day, I met with my friend Anne, who was one of his best friends. We got flowers, spent the day talking about him and sharing stories, and doing lots and lots of crying. A week later was his memorial, and it was amazing to see over a thousand people crowing the block of 20th street between J and K, in front of his office. It was bittersweet to see lots of friends who I had lost touch with, and who I now keep very close because the glaring realization of how short life is was made apparent that night.

The next month, for some closure and for renewing a bit of my sanity, I did the “Chalk-it-Up” piece sponsored by his employer in memoriam of Andy. The piece drew a huge crowd of his friends and family, and we all sort of accepted the impermanence of the chalk as a metaphor for life. It rained two days later.

Another part of the suicide night that crept up from the filing cabinet of my brain was the death of my uncle Mikey. He passed away last year from complications with alcoholism and drug abuse. It was the middle of December, in a record-low temperature week, and he had stopped eating. A couple weeks later he became so weak that he collapsed in his apartment and he froze to death. At first, I thought, “Oh my god, why has nobody in my family ever said he was this bad?” And my second thought was that he probably was far beyond the reach of any help. I never considered this to be a form of suicide, but then when we had that class, it became obvious. He was too weak and depressed to take any measures to take his life beyond starvation. He just stopped eating instead of putting a gun to his head like Andy did. The death of my uncle is almost even more depressing than Andy’s, because he experienced very real suffering before his death, whereas Andy just ended everything quickly.

I could barely keep it together on suicide night, but I am so glad I did. Now if I encounter someone who seems like they are having those thoughts, I can share with them what I have learned about how to speak to them, instead of just closing off and saying they are copping out. People who are close to suicide really need the help and comfort of someone who loves them, because often they just don’t feel loved. The loss of Andy and Mikey is incredibly sad and difficult, but I think that through understanding their pain that I now have a better idea of the thought process of someone who is thinking of taking their life.

The other two nights were on Grief. I didn’t think that these two nights would hit me as hard as they did, but it made me think about the losses in my family, and that EVERY single death of someone close to me has been tragic. There have been drownings, seizures during sleep that caused choking, stroke, suicide, drug overdose, and heart attack. Realizing that I had not been around any terminally ill loved ones made me really sad. It made me realize a lot of things about myself, how I hang on tightly to the people I care about, and that it’s incredibly hard for me to get close to them in the first place. I also realized that my family is very closed-mouthed when it comes to grieving, and we don’t really show our emotions or talk about feelings or even say “I love you” very often. The most recent loss of my uncle was sort of weird because I found myself trying so hard not to cry at his funeral. It was only later, when I was home by myself, that I was able to let it all out. I thought, “how tragic” about his death and “how pathetic” that I didn’t even want my own family seeing me cry at his funeral. I didn’t want to go through life hiding my very real and very painful emotions about death. I feel like when I experienced the loss of Andy, that my talents in grieving were brushed up a bit. I felt ease in grieving, possibly because I was around my friends who knew him, who weren’t going to judge my grieving. I know it is even silly to say the words “judge my grieving” but that is the only way I can describe the feeling of wanting to hide my emotions.

Since attending the grief nights, I feel like I am becoming more open with myself and with other people when talking about the loss of a loved one. Sometimes I might become even a little bit too inquisitive, asking questions and being caring, but it’s because I am genuinely interested and I want people to talk about it if they are comfortable.

The grief night also helped me understand a past relationship I had, where my boyfriend’s mom passed away when he was 20 when he was on a mission for his church in Australia. He hadn’t seen his mom in two years, and his family lied to him and never revealed that she was getting sick until it was too late. By the time she passed away, he was already on his flight back to Sacramento. I found that our relationship was partially suffering due to his attachment towards me to fill a motherly role. It was interesting to find how young people grieve, and that as they grow older, they will have more questions to ask as their understanding and interest of the situation grows.

I think that this class has really helped me to understand death on a deeper level, and it has definitely made my interest in death and dying greater. I would hope to volunteer at a hospice some day, or at the very least be a shoulder to lean on when someone is having a hard time.

holidaycation

Aaaahhhh Thanksgiving week. Easily my favorite week of the year since I get off Thursday AND Friday. This week is especially awesome because I am seeing all my family on Thursday, all my friends on Friday, and then leaving ass early in the morning on Saturday to my FAVORITE TWO FUCKING PLACES IN THE ENTIRE WORLD... Seattle and Vancouver, BC. We are going to spend three nights in Seattle and one night in Vancouver. My friend Anne is coming on the trip with me; she is the friend who went with me to New York City in 2009, and also my only friend who could take that much time off and carries a passport. I plan on meeting at least 10 men of my dreams during that week. Maybe I will marry a Canadian. I swear to god all the men in Vancouver are hot as shit. They are all tall, kinda pale, dark hair, black glasses, dress kind of nerdy, and nobody is fat. Seriously, no fat people in Canada. I think it's a law.

So, in the meantime, as I am writing this blog, I am wracking my brain at the intense amount of homework I have to do between now and Wednesday. You see, I have a 4.0, which has been CRAZY HARD to manage this past four years that I have actively been going to college. I am SO OVER IT. I am SOOO fucking over class and the annoying people in my classes and doing homework every night and not being able to enjoy any free time. I have an oral report due for my death and dying class, a paper on environmental health and its effects on asthma, a whole bunch of homework to catch up on for math, and at least 4 more exams. BARF! But, as everyone says, "you will be happy you got it out of the way now instead of later." And these people are right. Hell none of my friends have really finished school or even take my school schedule seriously. This makes me want to lag on my homework and my other priorities like doing dishes and shit. Only three more weeks and then I only have two more actual classes that I need to get out of the way to BE DONE WITH SAC CITY!!!! Do you have any idea how excited I am? I am still in my dilemma of whether or not I should switch my major to something practical instead of art. I could always do art on the side and keep my cushiony state job.

I guess I should thank god it's getting into winter. Nobody goes out in the winter. I plan on drinking shitloads of coffee and reading about 10 books I have looming over me on my bookshelf. Speaking of bookshelf, I need a new one. And a new dining room table. I digress.

Anyway, on to my favorite season of the year... winter. Aaahhhhh winter. Thanksgiving with my family will be great like always, we will stuff ourselves until we can't move, and sleep in the next day while all the crazies are off stampeding Walmarts across America. I don't understand that sort of material obsessing. Then I will make me way to Target and buy some Christmas lights and maybe a plastic tree, so I can put it up in my window of my apartment. I am not religious, AT ALL, actually vehemently opposed to organized religion, but man, do I love me some Christmas season. I think I actually appreciate it more now that I don't work in retail. Also I really, REALLY love Christmas music. Especially Sufjan Stevens' stuff. Soooo good. And I love the rain. I love layering my clothing and piling all the covers on top of me and not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. I love getting together with family and enjoying the season of giving. I love any holiday, really, that involves eating.

For Christmas this year I think I want gift certificates to bike shops so I can get some work done on my bike that I have been putting off for the last year. I need new rims, tires, handlebars, stem, grip tape, flip the back wheel, and take off a brake. YEP, that right there my friends will cost a good couple hundo. Want to donate to the fix Mandie's bike fund? All donations welcome. I could also use some new winter clothes, especially a new pair of tall brown boots. MMMMM I love boots.

They're decorating the Christmas tree at the Capitol this week. They will probably light it up the first week of December.

Time flies, everyone. Love as much as you can! I love everyone :)

glasses won't help you see in the dark

I spend a lot of time alone. It is probably partly related to the fact that I live alone, or because I am usually at work, school, or doing homework. I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking, philosophising, or having fleeting epiphanies and even more fleeting moments of understanding the meaning of life. My cell phone will ring or my cat will meow at me and my train of thought along the path to enlightenment will derail, but only momentarily.

What have I been thinking about lately? I guess lately I have been more aware of my physical and emotional state of being. Since ending a rollercoaster of a relationship in February and going on a thousand uneventful dates since then, I have decided to reorganize the filing cabinet of my emotions. I have started this process by being a little more selfish, not letting people walk all over me, speaking my mind, dropping leeches from my life. Ironically, I have actually gotten nicer as a whole. I am more aware of the way I speak to people, trying to be less cynical and more caring. I think maybe that is part of getting older. I also see the way my close friends treat each other, and I become saddened and afraid that possibly they are speaking poorly of me behind my back. I don't know why they would or what they would say, because I never cause drama among them, but I see how catty and unforgiving they are with each other, that it makes my heart sink a bit. I don't want to be like them. I want people to be around who I can trust all get along. I want people who I know when I share something with them that they won't tell 9 of my friends, who in turn tell 9 of their friends, and so on. So for now, I am working on being the role model to them, leading by example and all that shit. Hopefully it works.

With that said, I have met some really amazing people lately. People who are incredibly kind, generous, talented, funny, and genuine. Let's hope that train stays on its tracks and hopefully I keep meeting great new friends.

Unfortunately, the men I have been meeting are.. well... less than sub-par. Below par. Miles and miles south of par. This has got to end. I do, however, have lots of male friends in my life, who are all amazing, and treat me so well. But that is life. I have them in my life, but I sleep alone. And you know what? That is okay. I am fine with sleeping alone. Sleeping alone is thousands of times better than sharing a bed with someone who makes you cry or makes your heart hurt. This time that I am spending being single is a bit of a learning experience. I like to observe the behaviors of my friends who are in relationships, my friends who are single, and the one or two guys out there who I may or may not have a crush on. I like to observe the behaviors of single men who pursue me, staying just at arm's length from everyone. It's fun to watch. It's fun to sign in to facebook and see seven "pokes" from random guy friends of mine. It's fun to sign in to my Plenty of Fish account (LOL) once every couple weeks and read the drivel of poorly executed pickup lines and abortion of the English language. I can't bring myself to delete my Plenty of Fish account just for the sole comedic value that I recieve when reading messages. God, I have only met one person on there, and that was Jeff. Boy, do I miss him. I digress.

So I guess I have been spending time observing behavior. Performing a social experiment of sorts, with me being the only person tracking and analyzing the results. Sure there is someone out there who I have a crush on, but a crush is such an interesting thing. You have to have a crush long enough to decide if you would still like them after you got them. It's fun to want something so badly and never have it. Then you get it and you play with it for a few weeks and then you shove it back in the junk drawer. I don't want to do that anymore. I am so fucking stubborn and so set in my ways and so obsessed with having my free time, that whoever I date will have to be able to complement my life in a manner that is unobstructive. However, I am probably the best catch of a woman any man could ever have.

So my life and my emotions and my physical state of being are continuously being observed and analyzed by me. My brain working so hard to separate fact from fiction. I enjoy being single. For now.

But then again, I would totally marry Win Butler.

the birth and death of the day

"... like sand through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives."

Anyway, that saying is actually quite true. I have been obsessed (in the best form of the word possible) with death for quite some time. When I was much younger, I was really into gore, and I used to try to find as many videos online of people actually dying. I was kind of a sick fuck in high school, I admit. But that fascination got old, quickly. There were only so many car crash videos or pictures with people's heads smashed in that I could handle anymore. That fascination slowly morphed into wanting to know more about the philosophies of death, dying, religion, finality, loss, heartache, tragedy, and other equally jarring emotional responses.

As a preface, I should probably state that all of the losses around me that I have ever encountered have been tragic. Nobody in my family or my circle of friends who have died have ever been terminal. We all think to ourselves, "man, when I die I want to die quick and painless!" Which this may be a great idea, given the fact that we are human and we try to avoid pain at any cost, but it is actually a more terrifying mode of death to the loved ones who surround us. But then we all wonder who would be at our funeral? Who would be there to show their respects when I am gone? Have there ever been people in your life who become depressed, and one of the things they say is that they are scared nobody will be at their funeral? We wish so badly to be loved and accepted in life, and the final page in our book is the event of our death. If we feel like we spent a life with no love, what kind of a life is that at all? As I have studied this phenomenon of death, the idea of terminal illness is slowly revealing itself as the better option. There are so many things you can take care of with loved ones, your business, and the community, that would have no chance if you dropped from a stroke.

In the case of a girl my age named Eva Markvoort, she had battled cystic fibrosis her entire life, and finally succombed to the disease in March of 2010. She was in a documentary released in Canada about her search for a lung transplant. She recieved the transplant and became healthy again for a little while, until her body started to reject the lungs, and once again she was put on the waiting list. Her blog had thousands of followers, where she spoke about love and family and friends, and she never lost hope, or became depressed by her disease. She was able to see the love around her as she was spiraling towards death. I became very fascinated with reading her blog, partially because she was my age, and partially because I am so fascinated with terminal illness, and I cannot even fathom what it would be like to be aware of your fate. It is just as tragic to lose someone to terminal illness, but at least you can make sure that nothing was ever left unsaid while they are still alive.

Here is her last video, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=viNEhFQe5o8&feature=related

It's never really occurred to me until recently, but I try to hang on to everyone who comes into my life, fearing losing them. This also probably explains why I become so afraid to get close to people, because I am aware that it's only me that I have to rely on at the end of the day. It's not that I am not aware or that I don't embrace impermanence, I do, and I also know that there is a richness in experiencing loss and tragedy that people need. You cannot feel the highest highs without feeling the lowest lows.

The people I have in my life who I love dearly are very few. My acquaintances are very many. I have a very good way about me to become friends with everyone who I meet, but getting close is almost a rarity. I would rather not get close than get close and lose them. I realize this is a silly idea to have, and that I am wasting time by not enjoying these people or opening up to them and sharing my joys and my sorrows, but sometimes I feel like maybe they just wouldn't even care. And maybe I would spend all this time trying to become close to people to only find out they didn't actually care. Then is that considered time wasted? I feel I am stopping before I get to that point. To become close to me is a fucking feat of strength and I wish you the best in your attempts. If I don't latch on, I can't feel anything, right? Wrong. The fact that it is so hard to get close to people is more depressing to me than the idea of being close and losing them. It's an uphill battle that I fight every day, and sometimes I do become depressed. Usually on a Sunday night, when it's just me laying in my bed, and nobody has called or texted for the entire day. Is that a selfish thought?

As this blog post comes to an end, it's time to think about our lives and how we are living them. Are we showing our loved ones that we love them? If you lost them tomorrow, would everything be said? Your life will never be the same after losing someone, but you learn to live differently. You live a new life. And would you ever take it back?

Rest in Peace: Uncle Mikey, Andy Ekstrom, Aunt Ina, Gary Fontes, Chris Becker, Arloa Singhsnaeh, Pat Handy, and all of my grandparents. I miss you all.

hypnagogic hallucinations have halted heavy hens henceforth

So, I suffer from insanity, at least, that's how it feels when it's three in the morning and I am still rolling around in bed trying to convince myself that I am not dying, only temporarily lapsing into purgatory. Anyway, on with my story.



I have a very common although little talked about ailment called "hypnagogia." Hypnagogia is actually commonly referred to as "night terrors." Mine is different, I rarely get the night terrors (where you are paralyzed in the body and your mind/heart is racing, but you can't move) and they are more leaning towards "hypnagogic hallucinations." These are fucking CRAZAAYYYY. I swear to god, in a past life I must have been hitting the acid, hard.

So, for someone like myself who is dealthy afraid of medication and doing drugs, to have my brain send my vision into seeing a kaleidescope of geometric shapes, large roses, animals, people, lace, spinning and rotating fractals and other things; I would have to say that enjoy it.

What are these like? Well, do you remember those Magic Eye books from elementary school where every other kid was trying to cross their eyes to see the dolphins jumping out of the water only to figure out that they were doing it completely wrong? Well, if you were the 1% of the population who was "doing it right" like me, you would already have a pretty good idea of what these hallucinations are like. These hallucinations omit color; they are like seeing large transparent objects that you can make the figure out by the way the light bends around the object, like glass. Or sort of like dark matter in the universe!

My favorite memory of one of these hallucinations was when I had just fallen asleep and I was awoken by something, and I looked across my room and there were three or four very large roses rotating in the air. I was startled, but also deeply calmed by this (for reasons unknown) so I stared and watched them for a few seconds before they dissipated on their own. Sometimes I will be fully aware that what I am seeing is not there, and I think that is when my brain begins to process regular input and the hallucinations go away. Then I lie there, completely calm, in utter fascination at the workings of our brain.

Sometimes this is my favorite part of falling asleep.

zombient

If you know me or pretend to know me or if you would like to know me, you should know that I am really, REALLY into post-rock, ambient music. The more heavy and instrumental, the better. Maybe it's because I have been in full-time school for the better part of the last four years or maybe it's because my poor brain just can't process anything else anymore and everything ends up sounding like a dying animal or a car accident. So I am here, today, to unveil to you some good instrumental, post-rock, or ambient bands that I have been listening to for years and years.

Album Leaf
Helios
Unwed Sailor
Mogwai
Sigur Ros
Explosions in the Sky
Stars of the Lid
Godspeed you black emperor
Unwed Sailor
Efterklang
Do Make Say Think
M83
Mice Parade
Ratatat
This Will Destroy You
Zoe Keating


Enjoy my dears. I hope your ears thank you as much as mine have over the years. I am still cynical, though. So if you're hoping your cynicism will be cured... think again.

Midtown Stench

Oh, the lovely aroma of death and feces that wafts up from the underbelly of Midtown Sacramento.

Thousands of people's poo and pee swimming along an integrated system of channels underfoot.

How I love when I am riding my bike on a hot summer's day, and I find myself jerking my head back in repulse as I ride past a manhole and your stench burns off my delicate nose hairs. My eyes water, not in delight - not in longing - not in sorrow, but in pain. Sheer pain from the stench of the amassed pee and poo particles floating through the air like a ballerina, dancing to the music of a thousand urine streams hitting the rim of a toilet.

Alas, countless memories have been created at Tres Hermanas, Tuli Bistro, Ernesto's, Yogurt a Go Go, and other Midtown eateries -- only to be fermented by bodily secretions, turned into excrement, and flushed away into infinity to continue the circle of life. Cue Elton John.

I advise all of you, never go into politics

Just don't do it. It's better for your health, sanity, and street cred.

INTJ

Mass hysteria can quit ensuing finally because I have finally found an inkling of a reason as to why I am such a fucking logical and critical thinker, and possibly why I am atheist.

Basically, I took this Jung Typology test for extra credit for my Psychology class, and guess what? It actually made me realize why I am the way I am, and that it's actually a good thing!!!

Here is my description... the Mastermind (I could get used to that).

INTJ

All Rationals are good at planning operations, but Masterminds are head and shoulders above all the rest in contingency planning. Complex operations involve many steps or stages, one following another in a necessary progression, and Masterminds are naturally able to grasp how each one leads to the next, and to prepare alternatives for difficulties that are likely to arise any step of the way. Trying to anticipate every contingency, Masterminds never set off on their current project without a Plan A firmly in mind, but they are always prepared to switch to Plan B or C or D if need be.

Masterminds are rare, comprising no more than, say, one percent of the population, and they are rarely encountered outside their office, factory, school, or laboratory. Although they are highly capable leaders, Masterminds are not at all eager to take command, preferring to stay in the background until others demonstrate their inability to lead. Once they take charge, however, they are thoroughgoing pragmatists. Masterminds are certain that efficiency is indispensable in a well-run organization, and if they encounter inefficiency-any waste of human and material resources-they are quick to realign operations and reassign personnel. Masterminds do not feel bound by established rules and procedures, and traditional authority does not impress them, nor do slogans or catchwords. Only ideas that make sense to them are adopted; those that don't, aren't, no matter who thought of them. Remember, their aim is always maximum efficiency.

In their careers, Masterminds usually rise to positions of responsibility, for they work long and hard and are dedicated in their pursuit of goals, sparing neither their own time and effort nor that of their colleagues and employees. Problem-solving is highly stimulating to Masterminds, who love responding to tangled systems that require careful sorting out. Ordinarily, they verbalize the positive and avoid comments of a negative nature; they are more interested in moving an organization forward than dwelling on mistakes of the past.

Masterminds tend to be much more definite and self-confident than other Rationals, having usually developed a very strong will. Decisions come easily to them; in fact, they can hardly rest until they have things settled and decided. But before they decide anything, they must do the research. Masterminds are highly theoretical, but they insist on looking at all available data before they embrace an idea, and they are suspicious of any statement that is based on shoddy research, or that is not checked against reality.

Alan Greenspan, Ben Bernanke, Dwight D. Eisenhower, General Ulysses S. Grant, Frideriche Nietzsche, Niels Bohr, Peter the Great, Stephen Hawking, John Maynard Keynes, Lise Meitner, Ayn Rand and Sir Isaac Newton are examples of Rational Masterminds.

graffiti

hit "replay."

I drew this a few years ago. It used to be my favorite way to pass the time on facebook. This of course, was before I had any friends on there. LOL

what a wonderful fucking day

Today, I have done nothing. It's only a little after 4 though, maybe I will get something done before 5. But probably not. The stack of stuff on my desk can wait until Monday, because honestly, Monday's outlook is about as shitastic. I really just want to get home and put sweats on immediately and read the rest of this book I am on. And possibly stream Lost from Netflix on my iMac.

So far today, I have eaten 3 fucking oatmeal raisin cookies. Why? Because the lovelies in my office decide my desk is a good "communal area" which is a term I use loosely because whatever crap they put there is generally within arm's reach. I don't even have to look, my hand has a magnet for cookies and candy. But I guess it's the only time of the week I eat any shit. I never buy myself unhealthy stuff. I actually take quite good care of myself, being a vegetarian and riding my bike and all. Hell maybe after I die someone will plant a tree in my honor.

What is today's blog about? Still figuring that one out. I guess I am reading again? Trying my hand at actual fiction. I never liked fiction. I know... I know that you're supposed to get some sort of life lesson out of a non-sucking fiction book, but true stories are just so much more interesting to me. And I love science, so I read a lot of sciencey stuff. So I read The Sun Also Rises. Want to know what I thought about it? I thought it was a lot of god damned dialogue, and the moral of the story is that Brett chick was a hooker. Don't hang out with hookers, they will break your heart.

I just started reading Kurt Vonnegut's Hocus Pocus. Not sure what I think about it yet, but I will let you know tomorrow when I am done with it.

I dropped the last quarter of my oatmeal raisin cookie on the floor. Woe is me. Also, I can't type using my bandaged left index finger and I have a huge bruise on the side of my skull right above my ear. You would think I would have knocked myself out with how hard I rammed into that fucking cabinet. Shit. I would at least feel like I had a cooler story to tell if I knocked myself out.

accident-prone

I am an idiot. I sliced my finger open cutting an onion, and then after I bandaged it all up I walked square into the open cabinet door in my hallway, and now I am complete with a huge fucking lump on my head.

Why is April Fools fools-ing me?

self-help

So I think it's funny that most of my friends come for me for advice when, in reality, I hide under a thin veil of normalcy and pretend that I'm not just as bat-shit crazy as the rest of them.

I give good advice though, and sometimes I'm even dumbfounded at the psychological gold that comes out of my mouth and I think, "holy shit did I really just say that?" Did I really just say, "figure out what you're doing that's contributing to your long-term happiness, and what you're doing that's contributing to your short-term happiness. If those two things are the same, then you're doing pretty good for yourself." I should win a god-damned award.

We all get fucking bored out of our minds, and we do stupid shit when we are bored. The problem with living where I live, and seeing the same assholes everyday, is that we lower our standards to accommodate the people around us instead of trying to dig ourselves out of this cesspool and try to actually meet some decent people who aren't knuckle-dragging mouth-breathers, who have some brains, some sex-appeal, and some sort of contribution to the betterment of society. Problem is, no one feels like looking for this. Except me.

I recently got out of a whirlwind crazy fucking twilight zone relationship, that lasted entirely too long, that no number of double-vodka cranberries could fix. "I swear to god I am never dating anyone ever again." Yeah that lasted all of two months. Then I met the man of my dreams. I met him and I'm not going to fuck this one up.

Then he moved. He moved to LA two weeks after we started dating, and my brain is pretending it's on a Gravitron spinning at 100 miles an hour waiting for the ride to stop so it can throw up. I try keeping my cool, but my heart just longs for him... to hear his voice... to feel his touch. I make myself want to vomit saying that.

Keep yourself busy. I can hear his voice saying those words over and over in my head. That's what we both decided would be best. It's hard to pretend that work and school and friends is giving my life the same meaning as sitting on my bed, talking about philosophy and sex and science and the meaning of life with him. No rush. No rush at all. I am not going to fuck this one up remember? He is coming back for me after all in a few months, right? In the meantime, I have to give advice to my friends, when my own body feels like disemboweling itself.

I have to be there for them, who thoroughly remind me that I am about as sane as the god damned Mother Theresa. If there is a hell, I am going there solely based on that sentence. My friends. Oh my friends. How equally crazy they all are. They all have their shortcomings when it comes to relationships, and a couple in particular just keep getting bored.

What I said earlier about being bored, is that in this town... there is not much to choose from except your exes, or someone else's exes. When settling down really means settling. It's easy to fall into the same trap of someone who used to put his penis in your vagina, who has a completely acidic personality but whilst in the heat of the moment you forget about the screaming fits and cellphone throwing that has ensued over the couple years of "dating," and once again you feel some sliver of sexual desire and risk your sanity for "one more night" of a passionate fuck-fest. Only to cry and hate yourself in the morning. Why do my friends do this? Is it really that hard to be happy alone? Do they think the guy is going to have some epiphany and start worshiping the very ground you walk on and treat the vagina like a temple? Fuck no they aren't. He's going to go home, fuck his new girlfriend when she gets back in town, and forget you ever existed. And you're going to lay there, crying in your pillow, reaching in for handfuls of Norcos and then washing his filth out of your vagina, swearing that you'll never give in to him again... until Friday night rolls around, and you realize that once again -- you're bored.

Currently I am fighting this boredom, problem is... I don't have anyone out there that I would want to fuck even with someone else's vagina. This town makes me want to gag myself with a spoon. I guess that's what porn is for. At least I don't have to worry about some asshat in my bed with me, snoring into my ear and farting in his sleep... all of those things added in to the equation severely lower the amount of sexual desire that tries to cling on. But they're all dudes. And all dudes are mainly pretty fucking dude-like and will fart in the bed and they will snore in your ear and they will laugh at stupid shit and stare at boobs and slap your ass and want you to make them a sandwich and want to fuck in the morning when you smell and look like shit.. but they don't care because their dick is hard and they would probably fuck a warm piece of playdough if they were desperate enough.

Anyway, guys are like this. Except mine. And that's why I'm fine with waiting for my man to come back from LA. And that is why I won't let myself get bored.

Maybe I'm not so bat-shit crazy after all.